��һ�ǿ�����

Warning: This article contains details of stillbirth and miscarriage

As one of New Zealand’s most popular television personalities, much of Hayley Holt’s life has been in the public eye; from conquering slopes and the ballroom to alcoholism, public relationships and pregnancy euphoria that turned to tragedy.

Now the TVNZ presenter has shared, in her own words, her harrowing journey to motherhood in her new book,��Second Chances: Facing My Demons and Finding a Better Me, in the hope that others might find solace or companionship in her story of loss.

Speaking to the����podcast, Holt details her secret alcohol relapse, private grief after her second baby loss and her gratitude for her late son Frankie’s final gift.

As what would have been her son’s first birthday neared, Holt, pregnant for a second time, miscarried at 10 weeks. But unlike the loss of her first baby, this grief was private, shared only with those closest to the couple. The rawness of the insurmountable second loss was the catalyst for her alcohol addiction rearing its head again, and Holt says she drank in order to rid herself of the pain.

“I was pretending I was fine,” says Holt,��who had previously been open about her sobriety, dabbling with a glass of bubbles here and there. “But, really, I was just gearing myself up to have a real fall off the wagon at Frankie’s birthday.”

“Because I knew what alcohol could do, I knew that it was just going to turn it off - turn the brain off - and that’s really helpful sometimes. But it wasn’t helpful. The brain comes back on and it hurts,” Holt admits.

However, the relapse enabled Holt to see that her relationship with alcohol had to be over for good: “‘This is you drinking. This is what you’ll always be like’. And so it kind of freed me from it. I was like, ‘No, I don’t need you’.”

When Holt lost her first baby, Frankie Tai, in her third trimester, the news was shared by her TVNZ��Breakfast��co-hosts and a collective sense of mourning was felt by Kiwis for the presenter.

“I felt like, after losing Frankie, our first son, in talking to people - and all of the people who came forward and wanted to let me know their story - I found out so many people had gone through stillbirth, miscarriages, any sort of loss around a baby. And nobody talks about it.”

Hayley Holt's book 'Second Chances: Facing My Demons and Finding a Better Me'.

The lack of conversation prompted Holt to detail her loss in the book, including her 20-week scan where it was revealed Frankie had fluid in his lungs. After several more scans and appointments, the parents were told that should he survive, he would live a “very difficult life”.

Should he survive birth, Frankie would need 24/7 care. Holt and her “amazing” partner Josh Tito were given the unthinkable choice: terminate the pregnancy, try to put stents in to help with the fluid, or do nothing.

But when Holt attended her next scan, with Tito waiting in the car due to Covid lockdown protocols, she was given the news that Frankie’s heart had stopped beating, and Holt says she “went numb”.

“That shock - I talked about the shock in the book too - kind of takes you away from your feeling a little bit. So I didn’t sort of crumple in grief. It wasn’t like I lost my head. It was just like, this is a fact. We’ve got to get Josh up here and talk about what comes next. It was very professional and quite strange.”

That, she says, was until the shock wore off, and the emotions “rolled on top” of the presenter once she and Tito “realised the truth of it”.

But Holt says that with the help of a therapist, she later came to realise the outcome was Frankie’s final gift to them, taking the decision from their hands and “freeing” them from the unthinkable.

“I was just so thankful, really, to Frankie. That’s what I’ve come to after therapy. And, processing it, just how grateful I am to him for freeing us from that decision,” she revealed.

“At the time, I felt guilty that he’d felt my heart sort of pull away from him and not want him as much. Because through that whole process, all I cared about was whether he survived - doesn’t matter what was wrong - I wanted him to live.

“And knowing that in those two days [between scans] I kind of was umming and ahhing about it and questioning it, made me feel like he felt that. And so that’s heartbreaking.” But with the help of a professional, Holt says she took ownership of the narrative.

“But I have switched that around and in my story, now, he knew what the reality was, and he didn’t before. And so then he chose to give us that gift.”

Holt delivered Frankie two days later, and the emotions set in: “The devastation hits, and then I just didn’t really want to do anything. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry, pretty much.”

But it was the support of family that got her through - the couple took Frankie home to Holt’s parents’ home in Warkworth, where he lay for several days and even had a family photoshoot - something the couple now cherish alongside the tōtara tree they planted for him.

Holt hopes that in revealing the true tragedy of the events of those days - including her admission that instead of changing nappies, she was changing icepacks to keep her son’s body cool - she can help others, by using the same tools she did during alcohol recovery.

“It’s sharing the experience and knowing that you’re not alone, and that just makes you feel okay with yourself. So I kind of applied that to losing Frankie. If I can be open and vulnerable and share the experience, then hopefully people can just feel okay with themselves, because there’s a lot of blame,” Holt admits.

“There’s a lot of turning the finger inward and saying, ‘How did I cause this? Why did it happen to me? I must deserve this somehow’, and it’s not [right]. It’s just an experience that a lot of people share, and I think that’s really, really powerful and helpful.”

And when the now-eight-and-a-half-month-old Raven looks back at this journey in years to come, Holt just hopes he knows one thing.

“Hopefully he can realise how special Frankie was in bringing Josh and I together and then, therefore, creating him.”

Raven wearing his brother Frankie Tai's korowai. Photo / Instagram

For help or support with miscarriage

• If you think you may be having a miscarriage, contact your lead maternity carer - this may be a midwife or your GP. Alternatively, call����free on 0800 611 116, or visit your local Urgent Medical Centre or hospital.
• Visit the����or join the��.
• Visit the��. Sands supports parents and families who have experienced the death of a baby.
• Free call or text����to talk to a trained counsellor.

For help with alcohol

• If you or someone you know has a problem with alcohol, call����on 0800 787 797.